Solitude is not a pleasant experience. This spiritual discipline, while helpful to our spiritual life, can often be uncomfortable.
I woke this morning feeling worthless. Have you ever felt this way? For the first part of the morning I could not think of anything I had to do. My wife asked me, as she was leaving for work,"What are you going to do today?" And I simply was not sure how to respond. I felt adrift at sea, floating in a state of meaninglessness. I felt that I had no purpose, I was not aware of anything that I needed to accomplish. No one needed me today, and I had no expectations to fulfill. Normally, this would be a good thing. But for me, today, the feeling was somewhat horrifying.
Yesterday morning I woke from a dream in which I was lost and afraid, I was surrounded by all kinds of evil and I could not get to safety even though I could see it just off in the distance. This morning I woke from a dream in which I was again, lost, but lost in the feeling of not having anything to do. That feeling carried over into the day. I am so used to having a plan; a meeting to attend or a class to teach or attend. I feel as if my existence depends on my being busy. I feel that I am valued by what I do; I have come to value my own life on what I have scheduled to do; on how much someone else depends on me.
What if I didn't accomplish anything? What if I had nothing to contribute? What if no one needed me? What would that be like? What if there were no others in my life depending on me or giving me value?
How would that look? Of course these are rhetorical questions, there is no way for me to really know the answers to these questions.
There are some, though, who may know how this feels. I think of those who are alone in a nursing home; those who have no family to come see them; those who rely on others to care for them and keep them alive in a state that they probably would rather not live. But all people are valuable because their value comes from the creator and savior God.
While it is not comfortable, it is good to reflect on such things periodically. It is good to dive down into the depth of our own soul, to practice intentional solitude. So often we are able to cover up all these thoughts and feelings about the nature of our value by filling up our lives with activity. There is always something to do, right? I find it helpful from time to time to purposely engage in these questions so that I can be reminded of my true worth.
My true value, and yours, is in the fact that we were created by God; a God who
loves us and gave Himself for us, not only that , He gives us his Spirit
to be with us now.
Oh, Lord, that you would give us eyes to see that our true worth is derived from you. Amen.
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